


aparecium

by queen_abrin



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - All For The Game Fusion, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - No Exy (All For The Game), Good, Harry Potter AU, Multi, also i cant write so, its mostly like aftg except they have magic, neil is Freaked Out All The Time, so this isnt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-10-01 19:45:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17250239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_abrin/pseuds/queen_abrin
Summary: spell used to reverse concealing charms, and to render the invisible, visible.- * -Neil Josten is a young wizard surviving by himself. After a landlord carts him off to Hogwarts, he must choose between melting into the background or making a name for himself and merely surviving or truly living.





	1. new light

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhhh so this is my first attempt at a long form fic. feel free to leave criticism as id love to grow as a writer throughout this. i hope this project will keep by interest for a while

    Neil Josten gazed up at the light shifting on the ceiling of the living room where he lay, not really seeing it at all. He could hear the ticking of the clock nearby and the distant whistling of the wind outside. He’d have to rake the leaves again when he decided to rise. For now, he pretended to sleep. It should have come easily to him, this couch was easily the most comfortable thing he’d slept on for months. He closed his eyes, pushing away the memories that were always at the back of his mind.

     It had been two weeks since he’d begun to stay with Mr. Hernandez and his wife. Eight months since his mother died. Six years since they had been on the run from his bastard of a father. He clutched the wand of wood under his pillow so hard he thought it’d break. Even here, the safest place he had stayed in for a year, he slept lightly, if at all, and remained as paranoid as ever.

     Neil had almost dozed off when he heard steps on the stairs outside the apartment and the lock jiggling. In a flash he was up, crouching behind the couch and planning an escape route. He could stun whoever was there and jump out the window, he’d left his bag on the way and he was on the first floor. That was assuming there was only one at-

     “Neil?” A man’s voice rang out, loud in the otherwise quiet apartment.

     Neil’s shoulders relaxed and he peeked the top of his head above the couch.

     Standing in the closed doorway stood Raul Hernandez, owner of H’s Mexican Fonda, wizard and, retired notary for the Ministry of Magic. He gazed at Neil for a moment before turning at shrugging off his coat and scarf.

     Hernandez was not a particularly imposing man.  He’d retired from the Department of Magical Catastrophes Office years ago, and had been living off his pension and his eatery. They’d met when Hernandez saw him scrounging in his dumpster and offered him a job washing dishes. It was only luck that had brought him to a fellow wizard, and an ex ministry worker no less, which offered him a level of safety and protected him from his paranoia being questioned.He was a rather large man, with salt and pepper hair and a permanent frown. He walked with a bit of a limp when it was cold due to a magical injury he’d received on his last years on the job, a magical catastrophe of his own. He reminded Neil of his father, but only in the sense that he was an older man.

     Neil shuddered at the thought of his father, and for a moment he thought he could smell smoke and the sickly sweet scent of burning flesh. Neil leant his face against the cool mirror. A stab of grief ran him through, so deep and sharp he shook with it. He missed his mother. He’d withstand any number of beatings or lectures just to have her right now. He was lost, and he didn’t really know what to do or where to go.

     Well, he knew what he’d _like_ to do.

     Neil had been obsessed with Quidditch since he was old enough to mount a broom. He’d played in little leagues up until the night they fled. Neil took a deep breath and splashed some cold water on his face. Thoughts of the night he and his mother had picked up and left would only drag him deeper into a hole he couldn’t afford to go down, at least for the moment. Hernandez had allowed him to borrow an old Shooting Star his kids had shared to go play Quidditch with some other local wizards in the neares wizard recreational center. He'd been forced to play as a chaser, as that was the only spot open, and is what he had been playing during their long stint in Bangladesh. 

     “Couldn’t sleep?” Hernandez asked, crossing the living room the the kitchen. Neil shook his head and watched him, sitting down on the couch again. He turned on the lights of the bathroom, wincing at the harsh glow of the lights. He checked his roots, avoiding his own mirrored gaze.He quickly put in his contacts, staying in the bathroom as long as he could. He stepped out only when he was sure he could face the other man.

     Three heavy knocks shook the door of Hernandez’s apartment.

     Neil whirled to face the door, whipping out his wand. Hernandez stood, wand out, advancing towards the door.

     He glanced at Neil, “Don’t hex on sight. I think it’s a visitor.”

     Neil nodded and moved behind a door. Hernandez opened the door.

     “David.” Came Hernandez’s voice, calm in greeting. The visitor was expected.

     “Neil, you’re fine to come out.”

     Neil stepped out from behind the cover of the door and watched the visitor, staying more than a yard away from him.

     David, as Hernandez had called him, was a rather large man. He was tall, with the physique of a man who had played sports professionally in his prime but had been retired for quite some time. He had tribal tattoos lacing his arms and a lined face suggesting either years of frowning or smiling. He appraised Neil as closely as he himself was appraised before looking away and shaking Hernandez’s hand.

     “Neil, this is David Wymack. David, this is Neil Josten, my dishwasher and temporal roommate.”

     David offered his hand, but Neil refused to get closer than necessary, opting for a nod of acknowledgement.

     “Neil, David is a teacher at Hogwarts.” Hernandez paused, running a hand through his thinning hair.

     “Neil, we need to talk.” Neil froze. They hadn’t had an actual conversation since the day Neil had turned up at his restaurant, opting instead for small talk. He'd told Hernandez that he had been separated from his parents while traveling and had no way to contact them or anyone else in his family. He wasn't sure Hernandez or his wife had believed him but it didn't matter. He wouldn't be here long enough for them to do anything about it.

     Hernandez made tea in his cramped kitchen and glanced at Neil when he sat nearby.

     Neil faced his landlord and his guest, who sat at the rickety coffee table masquerading as a dinner table.  From what he could tell, the man wasn’t much of a threat at the moment, and his host seemed to trust him. Neil recognized the man in after a while. He took the cup of tea he was offered. Hernandez took a deep breath.

     "You're David Wymack." Wymack nodded in acknowledgment before Hernandez cleared his throat.

     “Neil...listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I do know something’s wrong.” He began, not meeting Neil’s eyes.

     Warning bells and alarms went off in Neil’s head. Normally this would just mean he was getting kicked out, but the other man present wasn’t a good sign.

      Hernandez continued, “I know that you won’t talk to me about it, and that’s fine. I’d be fine with you staying here, but I have the feeling you haven’t had any magical education and that’s one of the most important things for a young wizard like yourself to have, even if you have nothing else.

     Neil frowned, “I know how to do magic. My mom taught me some while we were...traveling.” The taste of bile was rising in his throat. His eyes flicked to David. He began to feel like he was trapped.

     “I know you know how to do the basics, but there's a lot I’d love for you to learn, stuff you need to know that I can’t teach you.” He paused. “Listen, I think this’ll be really good for you. I know it’s a lot and it’s a really huge change, but I know you’ll do well. You’re a smart kid. I’m sending you away, Neil.”

     Neil stood suddenly. “What? Where?” He paused. _“Hogwarts?”_

     Hernandez stood, hands rising, palms up  “You’ll be safer there than you could ever be here. The castle has old magic protecting it and a capable staff. They can help you.”

     The astle's protections weren't the problem. Neil couldn’t go to Hogwarts because Kevin Day went to Hogwarts. He hadn’t seen Kevin in six years, hadn't seen him since the night they had watched Neil’s father brutally murder a man.  he didn’t plan to see him any time soon.

     Kevin Day was Durmstrang’s Quidditch King, side by side with Riko Moriyama. They  had played for the Durmstrang team until Kevin broke his dominant hand in an accident during a school expedition. The injury caused him to be removed from the school team. Instead of recuperating in his school and with his team, he moved to Ireland. Last year he had enrolled in Hogwarts and had been rumored to have been helping coach some of the teams in the International Magical School Quidditch Championships.

     Hogwarts was notoriously bad with their unified school team, which was compiled of the four school teams. The cause of their losing streak critics could never agree on. The streak was bad to the point that many of the regular school team players refused to play for the unified school team, for fear of personal embarrassment or to fall victim to the curse that was rumored to be placed on the unified team. The rumor was not without founding. Last year one of the chasers for the team, Jeanie Smalls, fell from her broom after a particularly cruel bludger hit her and she suffered extensive memory loss.

     Neil raked a hand through his hair as he paced. This went against everything his mother taught him. According to her rules, he shouldn’t even be here right now, he had stayed too long., and he was about to pay for his mistake. He really couldn't survive without her Staying somewhere where he would be not only recognized as someone but also accounted for was a foolish idea, sure to get him found or killed. He searched for any reason to not go that would appease them, but not give away his reasoning.

     “But! I’m fifteen. Don’t they start at eleven? I’m too old.” he exclaimed, whirling around the face the two men. He knew it was a bad idea to show this much emotion or anything of the sort in front of this man, but he couldn’t help it. His world was falling apart at the seams.

     Hernandez rubbed a hand on his tired face. “We’ll figure it out. This is where David takes over.”

     “Listen, kid. I know you got some problems. You’re probably running away from an abusive home. We can help you. Hogwarts has opportunities for a kid like you.” David’s voice and words were much softer than he’d expected. “We’ll figure something out. You play quidditch, right? Hernandez tells me that you said you used to play chaser. The school team needs a player or two.”

      "I'm not playing with Kevin Day. I don't- I'm not- good enough."

     Wymack waved his concerns away, "That's for me to decide. Just come with me. Please, Neil."

   Neil sat heavily on a chair, cradling his now pounding head. School. Hogwarts. _Quidditch_. His mother would be screaming at him for even considering the idea of going somewhere as permanent as a boarding school. He knew it wasn’t safe, his father would surely find him. The idea of being able to pretend to be normal, if only for a year, to learn magic for real, was a dangerous dream he’d long ago forced himself to leave behind. He stood and walked into the bathroom blindly, ignoring the two men behind him. A wave of nausea hit him, and he dry retched into the toilet bowl.

 _“Hogwarts_.”

     The word sounded like hope. It felt like certain death.


	2. ready to go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neil begins his preparations for hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait i had writers block
> 
> edit: so I messed up real bad and posted chapter 3 instead of chapter 2 so some of you got a sneak peek so sorry feel free to throw a tomato at me

Before he left, David handed Neil letters.

“I reckon these were meant for you a while ago. I still can’t figure out why you never got them, but better late than never.” He made to pat Neil’s shoulder, but he tensed so hard the older man's hand froze and he instead put it in his pocket. He gave Neil a last hard look before leaving.

Neil knew perfectly well why he had never received his Hogwarts letter. During his eleventh birthday, Neil had been in Sweden with his mother, recovering from a hex wound given to him by one of his father’s men. He pocketed the letter,  and he could tell the parchment weighed his pocket more than regular paper would have.

Hernandez went to go start work at his restaurant, leaving Neil alone or at least an hour since his dishwashing abilities would not be used until opening. For the time being, he was all alone.

With shaking fingers, Neil opened the letter. Two pieces of paper fell out.

The first was a letter, addressed to him.

 

 **HOGWARTS SCHOOL** **_of_ ** **WITCHCRAFT** **_and_ ** **WIZARDRY**

Headmaster: Charles Whittier

Dear Mr. Josten,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Due to your individual circumstances, your year placement will be determined by members of our staff by testing. Your house, like all other students, will be determined by the Sorting Hat. For your comfort, you will be Sorted in private. You will arrive at Platform 9 ¾ to board the Hogwarts Express, which leaves at exactly 11 o’clock and arrive at the castle by carriage with the rest of your peers.

Term begins on **1 September** . We await your owl by no later than **31 July**.

Yours sincerely,

єℓιѕαвєтн ∂σвѕση

Dr. Elizabeth Dobson

Deputy Headmistress

 

Neil set the letter down. He couldn't believe it. For a moment, he thought he was dreaming, that all this was a fever dream and that any moment he’d wake up on a motel bed with his mother heating up some canned food. This letter was physical proof that everything was real. Rather than dwelling on that he looked at the other piece of paper.

 **HOGWARTS SCHOOL** **_of_ ** **WITCHCRAFT** **_and_ ** **WIZARDRY**

**UNIFORM**

students will require:

Three sets of plan work robes (black)  
  
One plain pointed hat (black) (optional)

One pair of protective gloves (dragons hide or similar)

One winter cloak (black, with silver fastenings)

_Please note that all pupil's clothes should carry name tags._

 

**COURSE BOOKS**

All students should have a copy of each of the following:

 _The Standard Book of Spells (Grade level to be determined)_ \- Miranda Goshawk

_A History of Magic - Bathilda Bagshot_

_Magical Theory: Fourth Volume - Adalbert Waffling_

_A Scholar’s Guide to Transfiguration - Emeric Switch_

_One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi - Phyllida Spore_

_Magical Drafts and Potions - Arsenius Jigger_

_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - Newt Scamander_

_The Dark Forces: Prehension, Prevention, and Protection - Quentin Trimble_

 

**OTHER EQUIPMENT**

1 Wand

1 Cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)

1 set glass or crystal vials

1 telescope

1 set brass scales

Students may also bring, if they desire, an owl OR a cat OR a toad.

First years may not bring a broomstick.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Brown-Thorpe

Chief Attendant of Witchcraft Provisions

 

Neil wanted to throw up. This letter signified he had a place. There was most likely a bed waiting for him in Hogwarts, a seat in a class. He stood and threw himself on the couch. If his mother could see him now… A flood of emotion welled up in him at the thought of his mother and he pushed it down. He had work to do.

 

Two weeks later Neil, Hernandez, and his wife were crammed on a bus heading towards London. He had opted to wear a hoodie with the hood up, for fear of heading somewhere so crowded and being recognized. While large cities provided him some cover with all the people around, they also prevented him from being completely aware of his surroundings. This didn't stop him from glancing around surreptitiously every five seconds.

They seemingly arrived at their destination when they got off near a grubby little pub seemingly squished between two other locales. The three entered and passed through. Neil was on high alert. It wouldn’t be his first time in Diagon Alley, but it was his first without his mother, which made him nervous. He had multiple vaults in Gringotts he was certain his father didn’t know about. He scanned the list, mentally plotting out the places he’d need to go. He already had a wand, but that was about it for him. He’d have to shop for everything else.

The moment he passed through the brick wall he was hit with a wave of nostalgia. The last time he’d been here he was eight and his mother was withdrawing as much gold as she could. She’d allowed him to eat a sundae at Fortescue’s while she did so. He shook his head, clearing his mind and taking a deep breath. He needed to be alert and wallowing would only hurt him.

He went into Gringotts alone and came back with a small bag of gold, enough to leave him a little left over from his shopping. Hernandez eyed him as he came out but said nothing, something Neil was grateful for. He wasn’t sure how he would have explained the gold to him. He turned to them.

“I can do this on my own if you want. I know you have a couple of things to take care of.”

Hernandez began to shake his head, but his wife took his arm and nodded vigorously.

“Yes, we do. Thank you, Nolan. We’ll meet at the Leaky Cauldron at five, alright? If not, well, you know how to get back.” With that, she took her husband’s arm and dragged him away.

Neil knew she didn’t particularly like him, only putting up with him because her husband insisted and because he mostly stayed out of the way and helped clean the house.

He hated the idea of having someone so close to him. His baggy clothes hid all of his scars, and he supposed robes would too. Getting fitted would be a problem, though. He considered simply getting secondhand robes, but that would surely set him apart more than he wanted to. He might be going, but he wanted to blend into the background as much as possible. He took a deep breath and stepped inside.

A plump woman met him when he came in, smiling widely.

“Hello, dearie. Welcome to Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions. Hogwarts, I suppose.”

He nodded and let himself be led into a private room. He exhaled. He wouldn’t have to interact with any other customer for the moment. She left and came back with a clipboard.

“Now, what size do you wear in muggle clothing?” As he rattled off his measurements, she tapped one of the measuring tapes on the wall with her wand and it began whirling around, measuring him.

“Now if you’d take off-” She started, jotting his answer down with a quill.

“No.” She peered at him through her spectacles. “Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with that.” He smiled at her apologetically, hoping she’d move on.

She pursed her lips. “Alright. If you’re fine with ill-fitting robes…” He nodded and she sighed and continued to jot down measurements. She ripped off a ticket and handed it to him. “I suppose you’re not done with your shopping yet. Come back when you’re done and they’ll most likely be done by then.” He nodded and left the room in a hurry, bumping into a blonde boy waiting to be attended to near the door.

“Watch it.” Hissed the boy, shooting Neil a glare. He was about Neil’s age, though a couple of inches shorter and a permanent downturn to his mouth. Neil said nothing and stepped into the hustle and bustle of the street. He took a moment to breathe before setting off to his business again.

The rest of his day passed without incident. He spent more time than necessary at Flourish and Blotts perusing the language sections. He wasn’t sure which books to buy for some of his subjects, but there seemed to be an owl-order service which he’d surely use. He spied the blond boy from before entering the store, followed by an older tall tan boy who chattered to him, despite the other’s obvious disinterest and another tall boy. The moment he looked at the third’s face he felt his heart stop. Kevin Day was in Flourish and Blotts. He looked just like he had the day Neil watched his father torture and dismember a man with Riko and Kevin.

Once he recognized Kevin the other two were easily named. The blonde was either Andrew or Aaron Minyard, incoming  Fifth Years. Aaron was a beater and Andrew was a keeper. The chatterbox was Nicholas Hemmick, incoming Sixth year and beater. The last two were cousins, though they didn’t look the part. They were also part of the Hogwarts school team.

He looked away, into the book in his hands. Neil felt himself suffocating, even though the three were rather far away. Kevin would see him and he’d be immediately recognized. Panic made his head fuzzy and numbed his fingers. He took a shuddering breath and shoved his panic where it would let him think. He just needed to get out.

He took his books and stepped in line to pay. He was almost out the door when someone spoke loudly and close to him.

“Hey! Aren’t you the guy Wymack is trying to force onto the school team?” Neil’s heart dropped. He’d been spotted. He glanced back to see Hemmick looking straight at him. He took his books from the till just as Kevin turned away from a Quidditch books display to see who Nicky was talking to. Neil nearly fumbled his bag. He looked cooly back at Hemmick

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He took his bag and walked out of the shop, ignoring them, “Wait!” trailing him before the door closed. He dove into the crowd as much as he could, getting lost in the throngs of people. This did nothing to help the panic and adrenaline coursing through him except to make him want to throw up. He ended up buying not only his school books, but one for more advanced spell casting and one about foreign languages.  He'd also picked up some potions which would help him keep hidden if he was unable to hide his hair and would also help hide his freckles. The only thing left was to pick up his robes, which he did as quickly as possible. It wasn’t yet time to leave with Hernandez, but he left a message with the bartender of the Leaky Cauldron that he had finished his business early and had left already.

He made it back to the apartment in record time and stashed his stuff in the duffel. His mother had put an Expanding Charm on the bag, which he made sure to refresh every once in a while. He put on a hoodie and went out. He needed to go for a run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much for reading ! yell with me on tumblr @storyalchemist or @c-innabar


	3. A/N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hehehe sorry

question: for aparecium should i

A. retcon Neil’s arrival at Hogwarts to be more like the book (arrives during the summer)

B. Keep it as it is (arrives with the rest of the students)

 

pls help me i am stumped

sorry for this pls

follow my [tumblr](https://storyalchemist.tumblr.com/) cause im constantly asking questions abt how i should do this and talking abt this au


	4. in too deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neil meets the monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright! I've made some big big changes  
> \- I completely scrapped the third chapter I posted because I am retconning how I wrote Neil's arrival to Hogwarts. (thank you for your help guys!)  
> \- I also changed a part of the first chapter, it's small but affects the plot kind of? Neil, while with Hernanez, played Quidditch and a local Wizards rec center after being encouraged to by his landlord. Wymack tracks Neil down not only by Hernandez's recommendation, he also sees Neil playing and wants him on the team, which I think fits better  
> \- I'm also trying to make chapters longer because I think this is going to be a much longer term project than I anticipated.  
> \- thank you for your help! it really means the world to me.

The news of Neil leaving was happy one for Mr. Hernandez’s wife. Neil had agreed to l eave by Floo powder, which would take him directly into the school. He’d been directed to a library’s topmost floor, which was supposedly used by wizards as a discreet way to use the Floo.

He had bid his landlords farewell, after deciding not to obliviate his presence from their minds. It would take too much effort and there were too many people to track down and obliviate if he wanted to erase his stay from all memory. 

Once at the library, he hesitated before stepping into the emerald green flames. A quiet flare of anxiety flared up within him. Once he crossed that threshold, he knew he’d be too swept up in what could be his to leave. The smart thing to do would be to leave now, while he still had his wits about him. The Hernandez’s would think he was in Hogwarts and the people of Hogwarts didn't even know him yet. It was a perfect opportunity, Even as he thought about this, his feet were already moving, taking him towards the fireplace containing his future, whatever it may be. Neil Josten took a deep breath, steeled himself, and walked through. He felt himself spinning and couldn’t help the queasiness that overtook his stomach. He wasn’t sure if it was a mix of the anxiety of going somewhere like Hogwarts or just motion sickness. He emerged in a large Hall, with four long tables and a long table at the head of the room. The ceiling was enchanted to look like the sky outside the windows, cloudy and overcast. The place seemed to be empty. Neil took one look at this and spun on his heel, determined to walk right back into that green fire and disappear forever. 

“Stop.” 

Neil froze. He turned to find a blonde boy walking towards him, looking bored. It was one of the twins, but which one it was it was hard to tell. Neil decided it was Aaron, because Andrew’s medication caused him to be almost manically smiling constantly. 

“Neil Josten?”

Neil nodded.

“Is that all you brought?” Aaron eyed the bag. 

Neil nodded again. 

“Quiet one, aren’t you? Let’s go.” Aaron turned and walked away, towards the entrance, not bothering to check if Neil was following. Neil gave one last glance to the fireplace, now dark and empty. He jogged to catch up Aaron. 

Neil had never been tall, but he was a good amount taller than the blond boy. A ghost careened out of a wall without warning, knocking over a rather large suit of armor almost on top of Aaron. He didn’t seem to notice. The ghost let out a huff and disappeared yet again. Once they were in a more deserted corridor, Aaron spared him a glance. 

“Transfer student?”

“Yes.”

“From another school?”

“Homeschooled.”

“How quaint. Here for the team?”

“Not really.”

“Staying for the summer though.”

Neil said nothing. It wasn’t a question.

“And then there were five. Coach says you’re staying with him.”

Neil immediately knew who the fifth was. 

“Kevin stays at the castle?’

“Kevin would sleep on the Quidditch field if he was allowed to. He lives and breathes for Quidditch. He wants you on the team more than Wymack does.” Aaron’s tone isn’t without a touch of disdain. He took out a box of cigarettes, opened it, then seeing there was no discreet place to smoke, seemed to think better and slipped it into his pocket. 

“We’ve met before.”

“Yes.”

“You were rather impolite then. It’s not everyday people scurry away from Kevin Day rather than grovel and ask for an autograph. If his ego wasn’t so fucking huge he’d be writing poetry about how sad he is.”

“Forgive me for freaking out. I didn’t expect to see him there.”

“I don’t believe in forgiveness. I'm not the one you snubbed anyway. I don’t care.”

By this point, they were walking across a set of swiveling stairs, which made Neil nervous. Aaron got off the ones they were walking on before they had even completely settled into the corridor they led into.

“You’re going to break a leg.”

Aaron led him across a corridor, “You can’t be afraid to get hurt. Not here, anyway. You’re playing with Kevin Day. You saw how people got when he transferred here? Imagine how they’ll react when they find out he’s playing for the school team.”

Neil stopped walking, but Aaron did not. 

Kevin was playing on the school team? That had to be wrong. Kevin Day and Riko Moriyama had been adoptive brothers since they were small children, when Kaleigh Day, part of the family that had started Quidditch and one of the most world-renowned players in history was killed in an attack during one of her games. She left behind Kevin, who was whisked off to Durmstrang where her closest friend, Tetsuji Moriyama, was directing the school’s Quidditch team as well as teaching. From there Riko and Kevin were raised to breathe and live Quidditch. Their lineage and circumstances made them insanely popular with Quidditch fanatics. They were inseparable, never seen apart. You were hard-pressed to find a Quidditch magazine without a mention of the so-called, “Sons of Quidditch.” 

A year ago, Kevin and Riko seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth. They stopped playing with the school team when the International School Quidditch Finals began, something which was not explained until later on. Tetsuji made a statement: Kevin had suffered an accident during winter break involving his dominant hand and would not be returning to Durmstrang. Fans were disconsolate, apparently, there had been so many gifts and cards sent to Durmstrang’s mailing address they had to ask for the fans to stop as students had stopped being able to receive regular mail. When Kevin showed up at Hogwarts, there had been a massive outcry of confusion. Why had Kevin not stayed with his family? Many thought it had had something to do with Andrew Minyard, who had been rumored to have turned down Durmstrang, something neither party ever confirmed. Either way, Hogwarts had been forced to implement some extra security measures that year, as some fans had attempted to break in to see if Kevin really was there. 

Neil could only imagine the consequences of Kevin actually playing for the school team. He shook his head, clearing his mind. None of that was his concern he wouldn't even be on the team. He caught up to Aaron and they rounded a corner and found three people waiting for them. Andrew and Aaron were wearing the same thing, which struck Neil as odd, but he pushed it out of his mind. They were easily distinguished because of their expression. Andrew was smiling, but Neil knew it was the meds. The Minyards’ fashion choices were the least of his problems. Kevin Day stood behind the twins frowning, which made Neil’s stomach flop uncomfortably. Nicholas stepped forward to shake his hand.

“Sorry for the ambush. I’m Nicky. Cousin of those two,” he jerked his chin at the twins "Welcome to Hogwarts.” Neil had only seen the group together in passing at Diagon Alley, but without panic clouding his focus he could appreciate how stark the difference between them was. Where the twins were short, Nicky was tall, where they were pale and blonde he was tan and had dark hair. The only thing they shared was the texture of their hair, which was curly. 

Nicky must have picked up on his train of thought because he smiled, “Shocking, huh? I look more like my mom. He brought her back with him and saved her from the witches and demons in Mexico.” He rolled his eyes.

“Coach was supposed to be here to talk to you, but he had to go up to talk to the headmaster. Probably about how many players we have on the school team this year. Whatever. Let’s go in”

Aaron fumbled with the keys, patting his pockets for them. Neil’s eyes narrowed. The pocket where he’d previously put the cigarettes was now flat.  He was distracted by this when he saw where he’d be staying.

Neil had expected himself to react badly to being shown where he’d stay, as he technically had no house yet. He thought maybe staying with Hernandez would have helped him, even though he’d gotten little no sleep the entire time he’d been there. He was surprised at the amount of panic overtaking him. It was small, smaller than Hernandez’s residence, which would make Wymack’s existence in his space undeniable. Maybe he could convince Wymack to let him stay in a dorm? That’d raise too many questions. He’d just have to adapt. He knew he’d frozen for too long, and he forcibly stepped inside the threshold. He pretended to look into the kitchen, finding multiple bags of foods he did not recognize. He squinted at a sort of tuber, trying to will his pulse to calm down. 

“What the fuck was that?” he heard Aaron speak behind him, it struck him strange for a moment until he recognized he’d spoken in German. Neil’s heart almost jumped out of his throat. How had he known? He knew this was a trap, he shouldn’t have-

“Maybe he was homeless. Enjoying the feeling?” replied Nicky. In German. In a rush of relief that almost made his knees buckle, he realized Aaron had been speaking to Nicky. 

“No, he looked like he was about to shit his pants,” replied Aaron. Neil turned to look at them, feigning confusion. Nicky smiled. He gave a tour of the quarters, which were basically an office, a kitchenette, a living room, and a bedroom. They stepped into the office, where there were multiple team pictures of quidditch teams hanging. The desk was overflowing with papers, weighed down with a muggle bottle of pills weighing down a stack. Nicky scooped up the pills and shook a few onto his pocket. Neil side-eyed him, Nicky took this to mean a question.

“Coach fell off a broom a long time ago. He met Abby in St. Mungo’s. We got a bet going if they’re fucking, get some galleons in while there’s still time.” Andrew and Kevin had disappeared to god-knows-where and Aaron was busy wrinkling his nose at a picture on the wall. 

“You’ll meet her at dinner. Abby, I mean. The elves are busy preparing everything for when students arrive, so we have to fend for ourselves in the meantime. By that I mean Abby cooks for us. We’ve got a while before then, so you can get settled in, maybe go down to the pitch. You know what House you’re in yet?” 

Neil shook his head. “They’re going to sort me separately, I think. I need to be tested for a grade too.” 

Nicky pouted. “Aw, I wanted to see you sorted. Well, we’ll know soon enough. They make you wear a hat, it reads your mind and tells the perfect house for you. It’s really exciting. Andrew and I are in Hufflepuff. Aaron’s a Ravenclaw. Kevin’s a Slytherin. Did you know Andrew had the longest hat-stall in a hundred years? Three minutes!” Neil didn’t know what that meant but he tensed at the “reading of the mind” part, and for a moment he wondered if there was a way for him to go without sorting. But no, everyone here had a House, him not having one would surely set him apart.  He tuned out Aaron’s and Nicky’s discussion about which house was better and spotted the Quidditch pitch. He’d never actually been to a real Quidditch game, only seen them in the reproduction goggles and pages he’d look for whenever he could spare a moment while on the run. That’s how he’d kept up with Kevin, and those made up one of the things in his duffel, still tucked securely under his arm. 

“Isn’t it hard playing with Kevin?” he asked suddenly. He wanted to kick himself. For a moment, he forgot he was supposed to stay under the radar. He wanted to play so badly. 

“We haven’t really played with him yet. It’s been mostly drills so far. We’ve got a good number for some other drills. He’s probably really excited.” answered Nicky. 

“I doubt Kevin gets excited about anything,” Neils says, recalling his frown.

“Only Quidditch. He wants you on the team more than anyone for that,” says Aaron. Neil frowns. Apathy drips from Aaron’s voice, but Neil clearly recalled the distaste he’d shown about Kevin’s obsession. He began to feel as if he was missing something. 

He was pulled out of his train of thought by Andrew and Kevin’s arrival. Andrew had a bottle of firewhisky in his hands. Nicky turned to Neil.

“We should leave before Coach gets here.’

Neil eyed the whiskey. “Because we’re attachments to robbery?” 

Andrew grinned at him, “You gonna snitch?” he sounded amused, “So much for camaraderie.”

Something in Neil’s head clicked.

“You’re not on your meds,” Neil said, eyes narrowing. The room fell silent. 

“I’m not high, right? You saw that too?” asked Nicky in German.

Neil ignored him. Andrew’s smile dropped in an instant, and for a moment he looked just like Aaron.

“Figured it out, haven’t you?” he asked, not really expecting an answer. Neil shrugged. “You might actually be less boring than all the other morons wandering around this place. For a bit, at least." Neil was about to respond when the door to the rooms opened.

“Hey, Coach,” Nicky called out. A sigh came from the vicinity of the door.

“I was hoping you’d be gone by now.” He came into view, dressed plainly. He glanced at Neil, “Floo powder treat you alright? I was nervous Nicky was going to get you lost on your way here.” Nicky cut in before he could answer. 

“Aw c’mon Coach. I’m not that bad.” 

Wymack flapped his hand at the group. “Leave already.”

Andrew turned to Neil, “Are you coming?” The whiskey bottle had disappeared. 

“Where?” asked Wymack, eyes narrowed at the short blonde. 

Andrew put his hands up in response. “Just to the pitch. We’ll bring him back to Abby’s place just in time for dinner. You didn’t need him still, did you?” 

“Yes, I did actually. Now, get out. You can wait outside.” he shooed the group out and turned to Neil. “You okay with going with them?” 

Neil shrugged. “Sure. I just need a place to put this.” he patted the strap of his duffel. Wymack gestured at the living room. “Take your pick.” Neil bit his lip, hating what he was about to do. 

“It’s all I have.” Wymack eyed him for a moment, then grunted and led him to the office. He flicked his wand and a corner of the carpet peeled back. He extracted a couple of photos and a large bottle of wine and gestured. It was just large enough for Neil’s bag to fit. 

“Thank you. Be careful with them. They won’t get nicer throughout the year, but they’ll get easier to deal with.”

Neil hesitated. “I haven’t actually agreed to anything yet, you know.” 

Wymack grunted as he stood. “I know. Now go see the pitch. We got new goal posts this summer.” He got something out of his pocket, “Key to the room and the pitch. Doorknobs won’t work very well with magic until the beginning of term.” Neil opened his mouth to protest, but changed his mind. He nodded mutely and turned to leave.

Neil stepped outside of his rooms, painfully aware of his missing duffel. He could only hope Wymack wasn’t a snooper. Andrew’s smile melted the moment they rounded the corner heading away from Wymack’s office. They stood at the stairwell nearest Wymacks office, waiting for the stairs to come around. Andrew turned to him, gazing at him for a moment before swiping for his key. Neil instinctively moved to evade him. Andrew did it again, and none of the others bothered to stop him. Neil wanted so badly to hex him, but he knew better. He moved again, and immediately kicked himself. He’d been forced to the edge of the stairwell with nothing at his back except air. He briefly wondered if Andrew would really be willing to hurt him so badly as to have him fall from here, or even kill him, but he thought better. Why wouldn’t he? He was off his meds, which was probably dangerous. 

Andrew leaned in close.

“It was nice meeting you, Neil. We won’t meet again for quite some time.”

“I wish.”

Andrew did not look impressed, “Not like we are right now. I don’t want to risk it until June, or we’ll all get thrown off the pitch and Kevin will kill himself, which will end my fun. Anyway, we’ll have loads of fun when we do. It’ll be great.”

“You’re not very convincing.”

Andrew shrugged, “I don’t need to convince you. You’ll know to do what you’re told eventually. I hope you do it the hard way.” He punctuated his words with a single finger push in the middle of Neil’s chest, toppling him backward. Neil landed on his ass on the stairs that had moved behind him without noticing. He stood before the others could step on him on his way down and followed them down and out of the castle. 

The walk down to the pitch is long and kind of hazardous. Andrew doesn’t break stride once and the and the rest of the walk is taken up by Nicky and Aaron’s talking. The moment they crest a hill, Neil can see the stands towering above the ground, high enough so spectators wouldn’t have to crane their necks. The stands were decorated brightly in the house colors, red, green, blue and yellow.  It was large, larger than the student population so that they could sell tickets to outside spectators. It was the idea of the current headmaster. 

They walked around to a specific gate, which Kevin opened with a key that looked like one on Neil’s key ring. Nicky turned his attention to Neil.

“When was your birthday Neil?”

“March,” said Neil distractedly. They were traversing through a forest of wooden pillars which upheld the stands. They entered a cluster of rooms, and Neil glanced around wildly.

“Aw, we’re too late.” Nicky paused, “What’d your girlfriend get you?”

“Oh my god,” said Aaron, facing away. 

Neil stared at Nicky as if he’d just sprouted a second head. “What?”

Nicky grinned, “No girlfriend, huh? Good for me.”

Neil blinked. He couldn’t think of anything that would be appropriate to answer with so he turned and caught up to Kevin. He opened one of the doors with one of the keys Kevin held up to him. He opened it to find a locker room. He turned in askance to Kevin, who jerked his chin to one of the lockers. Neil walked over to find JOSTEN emblazoned on the top of the locker. He yanked it open to find gear inside, a large 10 on the back. The sight made him dizzy. Wymack really had pulled out all the stops to convince Neil to stay and, to his horror, it was working. He looked within himself and found the flame on want stirring. 

“Put the gear on,” ordered Kevin. Neil turned to find Aaron and Nicky were also changing out, in the open. Neil picked out what he’d need, noticing there were also a few things like hoodies that weren’t part of the gear. He ducked into the bathrooms, changing in the cramped stall. Before going on he took a deep breath. He was so  _ so _ fucked. 

He stepped out and followed Nicky out a long hallway. They emerged into the cloudy light and into the pitch. Neil’s breath hitched. The grass under his feet was green, and the pitch itself was huge. Three gleaming goalposts stood tall on either side, and Neil wanted so badly to throw a Quaffle through them. He looked up at the stands. He ached to see them full, wanted so badly to hear the sound of a full house and then the whistle. 

“I get it now.” came a voice from his left, he tore his gaze away to find Nicky looking at him. “I get why Kevin had to have you. You remind me of him.” he didn’t elaborate and Neil’s gaze fell to the rattling trunk he carried. “These are the balls. You go get a broom.” He nodded at a rack nearby, and Neil was already moving before he’d finished talking. He took the one labeled 10 and appraised it. He’d played on an old Shooting Star when he’d been with Hernandez, but this one put that one to shame. The handle was long and smooth, but not too long for his height and with just enough grain to get a good grip. The tail was perfectly shaped and the design was elegant. He turned and went back to Nicky and Aaron, who were struggling with the balls. These were different too. The ones he’d played with at the rec center were old and sluggish and would take a minute to fly when released, but these were shaking violently for escape. When unlatched, they flew directly into the sky. 

“Let’s go. We’re just gonna teach you a few drills while Kevin watches and Andrew takes his meds.” 

Neil blinked. He realized Kevin wasn’t there. “How’s he gonna play the season? His shooting arm was hurt badly, wasn’t it?” 

Nicky grinned, “You think that’s gonna stop him? He’s playing with his right hand from now on. Let’s go.” Neil's shock at that was forcibly pushed away when they collectively climbed on their brooms and rose up. Neil almost laughed out loud. He’d never tire of the feeling of flying, the swoop in his stomach. This is what made life worth living. He knew, at that moment, this would be the end of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He spent the next three hours playing against Nicky and Aaron, going over new drills and flying around. They came down as the sun set and Neil’s face was numb from the wind. Neil unmounted and helped Nicky and Aaron pack up the balls.

“Thank you. You guys were super good.” 

Aaron snorted, “Kevin says we’re the worst backliners he’s ever seen. Also, he’s waiting for you.” Neil turned to see Kevin waiting at the mouth of the entrance to the pitch. Neil sighed and helped lug the trunk as an excuse to look busy. Kevin stopped him and Nicky and Aaron left him. Nicky made a comment about the bottle of liquor Andrew had within reach, and ducked out of the way when Andrew made as if to throw it at him. Andrew had materialized sitting on a wooden board inside one of the stands, idly unscrewing the lug nuts holding it there.

“You shouldn’t do that.” Any harm to this pitch had to be a sin in someone’s book. Andrew threw a lazy look at him and two lug nuts, one bouncing on Kevin and Neil’s heads. Kevin shot him a look but turned his attention to Neil. 

“Are you done kicking and scratching yet?”

Neil scowled, “I told you and Wymack and everyone I wasn’t good enough, and I never will be.”

Kevin flicked his fingers in a way that reminded Neil of Andrew, “Get over whatever inferiority issues you have right now. They won’t only screw you up, they’ll bring the whole team down. You’re not good enough. That’s a fact. You will be, but only if you do what I say, when I say. Give your game to me. You’ll never get to the top on your own”

“The top?”

“Pretend, or a moment that you don’t have a fucked up childhood, or teenhood or life or whatever. “Neil bristled, “Look at this court as if it was the only way for you. It’s the only thing that matters is Quidditch right now. Where do you want to be?”  It took a herculean effort not to laugh in Kevin's face, but Neil did it. He gazed out over the pitch, at the gleaming goal posts and the sky, orange and pink as it set behind the stands. He couldn’t pretend to forget his childhood because his childhood is the one thing that still ties him to Quidditch. His happiest memories were skimming over the country on a broom, his feet barely touching the ground. His mother had taken him to youth teams where he’d been a beater, but it had been glorious and freeing when compared to the oppression of his home life. That same home life would follow Neil forever, and for that reason pretending he’s one day be great was useless. He doubted he’d even make it mast seventeen, much less long enough to make it to the National team. Kevin had been on his way there, the only thing holding him back was his age, and not for long. 

Neil turned his gaze back to Kevin, “Where you were.” Kevin’s gaze soured and he sighed. “Give your game to me.” His eyes were focused on Neil, gaze more intense than he’d seen it except during a game. Neil didn’t have the heart to tell him he’d only let Kevin down. 

“It’s yours.”

Kevin turned to Andrew, “Your turn.” Andrew rolled his eyes and jumped down, walking away, liquor bottle in hand. 

“Sometimes I forget what a comedian you are Kevin!” he called over his shoulders. Kevin rolled his eyes and followed. Nicky and Aaron were already showering when they got there, and Neil almost buckled with relief when he saw the showers had stalls in them, with lockable doors. Andrew eyes his reaction, but Neil pushes past him and locks himself in. As the Hogwarts school team went on, it began to gain a reputation as a sort of halfway house. Their team was almost always comprised of teens who had been in bad situations before coming to Hogwarts Many saw this as a sort of publicity stunt. Neil wasn’t sure what to think. 

He cleans and dresses quickly before going on, hair still somewhat wet. Andrew grinned humorlessly at him. “I knew you’d like the private showers. Better to hide the bruises and scars with, huh?” Neil’s blood ran cold. 

“How-”

“Read the letter your boss sent Wymack. Runaway huh?”

Neil clenched his fists, “That’s none of your business. You shouldn’t have-” He knew Hernandez had to have said somethings to Wymack to get him to accept Neil for his taped-together team, but the fact that Andrew read the letters was unsettling and more than anything made Neil angry.

Andrew flapped his hand in a broad motion, “Whatever. You should learn how to tell when people are lying. Right though wasn’t I?” Neil sneered at him and walked away, catching up with the others as they made the hike back to the castle. Turns out, there was a much easier way to get back to the castle than the one Andrew had brought them in, but Neil was too distracted trying to forget his anger to care. Fighting Andrew wouldn’t do him any good. 

By the time they reached some quarters on the ground floor, Neil had cooled down completely. Aaron knocked before opening the door. They walked into what seemed to be the same apartment as Wymack’s but decorated completely differently. A plump witch was waving her wand at the couch, moving it to make space for a table. She looked back and smiled. Before She could say anything, Wymack dumped a load of silverware in Nicky’s arms. 

“Put that on the table,” he said, going to sit on the couch. Nicky made to dump the silverware on the table before Wymack pointed menacingly, “ _ Nicely _ ” Nicky rolled his eyes and began setting the table.

The witch smiled at Neil, “You must be Neil. I’m Abigail, but just call me Abby. I’m the healer for the school and all the sports teams, so we’ll see each other often, hopefully not because you’re wounded or anything. Andrew Joseph Minyard,  _ what is that? _ ” She made a reach for the bottle of liquor, which he sidestepped and, after laughing, slinked into the hallway and disappeared. Abby turned to Nicky and planted her hands on her hips, glaring. 

“I want to live a long life, I wasn’t about to take it from him.” She huffed. She made Aaron go check on the potatoes. She turned to Neil.

“Did they bother you too much?” She asked. The concern etched on her face and in her voice made Neil uncomfortable. Before he could respond Andrew reappeared, liquor-less. 

“We just showed him the pitch so he could have some wet-dream material.” Abby wrinkled her nose at that, “We haven’t even started having fun with him yet.” Abby narrowed her eyes at him, “Andrew you will  _ not _ do whatever foolery you did last year to him. If you even make him cry-”

“We’ll just get Bee to convince him to not jump from the Astronomy tower. It’ll be fine.” Neil blinked. He wasn’t completely sure what they were talking about, but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t enjoy whatever “foolery” Andrew did last year. Abby sighed and at that moment, Aaron poked his head out the kitchen door. “Potatoes are ready, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so to keep me from posting multiple a/n's on here, please please follow me on tumblr @storyalchemist cause i'm constantly asking for opinions on how the story should go.


	5. four minutes from a heart attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just doods being doods and trying to murder each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh so, sorry for the absence i don't really have an excuse im just awful sdjfdjgh also this isn't as good as it should be but i really felt that i needed to put something out and looking at it now its much shorter than i thought it was but :/

When Neil stepped out of the bathroom in Wymack’s apartments he glanced sideways at the light coming from the office. He pushed to door open and leaned on the doorway. Wymack’s back was turned to him, and he spared only a glance in Neil’s direction. 

“Who’s Bee?” Neil asked 

“Dr. Dobson. She’s the one that sent your letters. You’ll be meeting with her at some point. She’s the deputy headmistress, charms teacher, Hufflepuff Head of House, and she offers some counseling services to any students who need them.”

“Why would she need to convince me to not jump from the Astronomy tower?”

“Andrew pulled a stunt with one of our other chasers last year. He’s okay now but we had a hard time with him. Don’t worry about it. Go to bed.”

Neil slipped away and folded himself into the couch. He closed his eyes, but he didn’t actually fall asleep until Wymack had crossed the threshold into his room and shut the door. He counted the knots of the wooden ceiling in every language he knew, but sleep evaded him until the wee hours of the morning.

He woke with a start, and for a moment fear choked his throat. He shot up and cast wildly about, hand gripping his wand so tightly it was a wonder it didn’t snap in two. Wymack’s door was shut as firmly as it had been last night, and the apartment was silent. He dressed in the bathroom and slipped out of the rooms. 

The castle was much chillier than Neil had expected, and he was glad he had brought a ratty hoodie he had with him. He jogged through the endless passages and hallways, doing his best to establish a map of the school in his head, noting the exits and entries he saw. His mind ran circles around the interactions of the previous day, trying to see if there had been anything he missed, any clues to the people he’d be staying with for the next weeks that he had overlooked. He came back in time to eat some leftovers Wymack had left in the kitchen. Wymack was nowhere to be found, but Neil had seen no one else in his tour of the castle, confirming his suspicion that it was mostly empty for now. 

By the time the cousins and Kevin arrived at the pitch, Neil was already dressed out and half-dozing under a bench in the stands. He woke up soon enough when he jumped down to help setting up drills. They began simply enough, doing some of the things Aaron and Nicky had taught Neil last time. Andrew was almost completely laying on his broom, swatting away shots at goal with the tail of his broom or whatever appendage was nearest. He smiled lazily at Neil’s increasing frustration. He couldn’t seem to get a goal through, but then again neither did Nicky nor Aaron. Kevin managed only to get a fraction of his in, which was a far cry from his past performances as a Durmstrang player. Considering his physical ailment, however, any point he earned would be considered by many nothing less than a miracle. 

When Kevin finally allowed them to rest for a bit, Nicky turned to Neil again. Neil didn’t notice, paying more attention to the show Andrew and Kevin were putting on, with Kevin making fierce shots at the goals and Andrew sending them as far away from Kevin as he could, forcing him to go fetch the Quaffle. 

“I already called dibs,” Nicky said.

“What?” Neil blinked at Nicky, frowning.

“On Kevin. He’s on my list, Erik doesn’t mind.”

“Erik?” 

“Oh my god! Have I not told you about Erik?” Nicky smacked himself on the head. Aaron rolled his eyes and turned away. 

“He’s my boyfriend. He doesn’t go here, we met when I went on a summer trip to Germany a couple of summers ago. I picked up the language pretty fast. That’s what we were speaking earlier.”

Neil’s heart stuttered. Only after cross-examining the time he’d spent in Germany and the things Nicky was telling him could he be assured that there wasn’t any danger. 

“How did you do so badly last year if he’s on your team and you were being coached by Kevin?”

Nicky let out a short laugh. “Kevin was all over the place last year. He did help a lot, obviously, but there wasn’t a lot he could do for us. Andrew just doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if we win or lose. He doesn’t care about point margins or about how mad Kevin gets at him for not having a passion, and he did that all of last year.”

“He has to have  _ some _ sort of love for the sport. He can’t just be that good and not care at all.”

“He can. Last year, Kevin annoyed Andrew so much he jumped off his broom halfway through practice. He almost broke his legs except Abby cast an Arresto Momentum just in time. He refused to play for a month until Coach bribed him with alcohol. Kevin hasn’t stopped pushing the point though. They hated each other with a passion, but look at them now.” Neil turned his head to see Kevin gesturing at Andrew, who was doing pull-ups on his broom. “Close as two peas in a pod. He doesn’t like me that much and I’m his family.”

“Why?” asked Neil. He felt as Nicky kept handing him pieces to different puzzles. 

“Who knows? I’m just as confused as you are and I’ve been here for almost a year. Here’s something I can tell you though. Stop looking at Kevin like that. Andrew’s laid a claim on him, and he gets really aggressive when people break his rules. But it’s okay.” Nicky grinned at him, “You can just hang out with me. You’re gay right?”

The sudden turn in conversation hit Neil like whiplash and he choked on the water he’d been chugging. He hacked a couple of times and Nicky clapped him in the back.

“I don’t swing.” He responded when he was sure he could breathe again.

“Maybe you just need some help.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Oh, come on. It’s cool, man. You don’t have to hide it.”

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“What is Neil hiding this time?” came Andrew’s voice from behind them. He and Kevin had touched down and were heading in their direction to get water. 

“Nicky is trying to seduce Neil.” Aaron blurted, passing his brother on his way to the pitch, “It’s not going too well, but I think he’ll figure it out.” Nicky turned to get his gloves from where he had put them down at the table, which was a mistake. Turns out, Andrew moved fast on land too, not just on a broom. Before Neil could really register what was going on, Andrew had pushed Nicky up against one of the wooden beams supporting the stands, hard enough for it to shake. Both hands gripped the taller man’s shirt, and even though the size difference was rather noticeable, Nicky seemed either unable or unwilling to try to escape his cousin’s hold. 

“You will not try anything with him.” Andrew had switched to German but hadn’t bothered lowering his volume. Nicky’s voice was brittle when he replied.

“Andrew, I’d never force him into anything, you know that. He just has to say yes and I’ll-”

Nicky stopped speaking and Neil couldn’t figure out why until he saw where one of Andrew’s hands had gone. There was the glint of a silver blade pushing against the fabric of Nicky’s shirt, right where his ribs ended. Had he always had that with him? Where did he hide that? That was most certainly illegal, both on the court and off it.

“No. You will not try anything with him.” Andrew repeated. Nicky nodded, eyes wide. Through all of this Andrew had been smiling as brightly as if they were on a lovely picnic. Neil had seen violence and cruelty and threats, but never from anyone so cheerful looking as Andrew did at that moment. It was disturbing because Neil knew Andrew would do it. He knew Andrew could stab his cousin and smile while doing it. Nicky would at the very least be in pain for a long time. He wondered if Andrew’s medications would let him feel guilty, or even if he would feel guilty if he wasn’t on his meds. 

Neil found his voice. “Stop.” Andrew flicked only a glance his way, smile dimming for a moment as if he’d remembered Neil was there.

“Stop it, let him go. It wasn’t a big deal.”

Nicky shook his head slightly, most probably at Neil. Andrew kept looking at Neil.

“Kevin’s waiting, right? You’ll make him mad if you stay too long.”

Andrew blinked and smiled, the blade disappearing into the folds of his Quidditch robes. He pretend-smacked himself on the forehead. “You’re right, Neil. We should get going.”

Andrew abruptly let Nicky go and walked away, swinging his broom onto his shoulder. Nicky leaned heavily against the wooden beam, hand ghosting over where the knife had been only moments ago. 

“What the fuck was that?” Nicky flapped his hand and took a deep breath, not responding. 

“That’s fucked up. You can’t let him do that.” Nicky shook his head standing up straight, “No, that was my fault. I crossed a line.” Neil opened his mouth but couldn’t formulate a coherent sentence. Nicky seemed to take this as an offer to keep talking.

“Listen to me, Neil. There’s no use getting mad at him. You’ll just waste your time and energy. You can sturm and drang at him all you want but you’ll never get him to stop doing something if he really wants to. He doesn’t care.” Nicky suddenly seemed terribly old, and his eyes betrayed a lingering sadness. “Please don’t make this harder for yourself than it has to be.”

“He’s going to hurt someone else for real if you keep letting him do this,” argued Neil. Nicky only gazed at him before running a hand through his hair and sighed. 

“Let’s get going. Kevin’s gonna be pissed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so go ahead and yell at me on @storyalchemist on tumblr if u want


	6. positive i died tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Positive I've died tonight, no fucking doubt  
> You wouldn't believe this even if you saw it  
> Ask me how I'm doing, yeah, I'm coping  
> I said, "I'm coping"

Nicky and Neil mounted their brooms and soared up to meet the rest of the team. Kevin, Aaron, and Andrew had been kicking a Quaffle to each other, which would have been good practice if Andrew hadn’t been power kicking the ball at Kevin’s head every few passes. Andrew made no acknowledgment of what had taken place earlier except to glance at them when they approached.

“What took you so long?” asked Kevin, but before either could answer he launched into dividing them into teams for a scrimmage. 

“Aaron, you’re with me. Nicky will babysit Neil.”

Neil scowled at him, “Just because you’re older than me doesn’t mean you get to treat me like a child.” For a moment he wished he’d lied about his age, but it would have been too much lying on that front.

Kevin didn’t respond, at which Neil’s cheeks flushed in anger. “Don’t I have to practice scoring on goal?” Kevin threw him a half-lidded glance. “If I thought you could do that yet, I would have set it up that way.” Neil frowned but swallowed his anger. The ‘Neil’ Neil was being right now wasn’t a particularly argumentative person, so he’d have to let it go for now. He set himself up a few yards from Kevin, facing him. Aaron hovered to Kevin’s left, Nicky a few yards to Neil’s right. Behind Neil Andrew hovered in front of the middle goal post. Neil heard the soft whish of the Quaffle and moved to intercept it. Kevin didn’t move and Aaron didn't either, Neil got there first and caught the Quaffle easily. He had only advanced four yards when Kevin checked into him, hard. The ball slipped out of Neil’s grip as he steadied himself. 

“One.” Kevin said before turning and speeding towards Neil’s goal. Nicky tried to intercept him, and the bludger he hit at Kevin nearly brushed the male’s elbow, but he moved quickly out of its path. He advanced too quickly to be caught and made a shot on the left goal post. Andrew made absolutely no move to block it, following the Quaffle’s path through the hoop. 

Even though he’d just scored Kevin didn’t seem happy about it. Finally catching up with him, Neil heard Kevin sigh, “You’re not even trying, Andrew.”

Andrew clapped his hands to his cheeks, feigning shock, “By golly, you’re right Kevin! Very astute observation.”

Aaron had recovered the Quaffle, which he passed to Andrew. They set up again and Neil looked back in time to see Andrew whack the Quaffle with his broom tail in their direction. The play repeated itself, except this time Aaron was the one who checked Neil, who managed to hold on to the ball only for it to be punched out of his grip and passed to Kevin, who quickly scored on Andrew, who was drifting lazily. 

After some time, Kevin stopped and pulled up close to Neil, ”What are you doing? Is this really your best?” Before Neil could respond he zoomed off. Neil frowned and got back in position. He had known doing this would be much harder than playing with kids and rusty adults in the rec center or his little leagues, but he was unprepared for this. The pitch seemed immense when he only had Nicky at his back and every failure was met with scorn. As time wore on he managed to score a couple of times, outmaneuvering Aaron or outspeeding Kevin. As hard fought as they were, his points seemed hollow without a goalie at the posts. Soon after another attempt Kevin stopped the practice and turned to Aaron and Nicky.q

“Out.” 

They complied without complaint. Kevin led Neil to a point near enough to score but not too close as for it to be easy. He turned, holding the Quaffle, “You’re going to shoot on Andrew until he’s tired. Maybe you’ll even score.” He tossed the Quaffle into Neil’s chest and, before Neil could say anything, left the pitch where he could see Aaron and Nicky looking up at them from the player’s entrance. 

Neil turned to see Andrew grinning at him, and began. He began by shooting head on, but Andrew simply batted them away as if they were flies. Neil was surprised at Andrew’s sudden involvement in the game. Where he had previously seemed either unable or unwilling to block Kevin’s shots, he blocked every one of Neil’s with malice, sending the Quidditch flying in the direction furthest from the Chaser. Neil grit his teeth and went to collect the ball. 

The sun dipped lower and lower in the sky and Neil could feel himself weakening. His arms were numb from shooting the Quaffle so many times, his ass was numb from sitting on the broom for so long and his legs hurt from holding on. He was mildly dizzy from having to chase after the Quaffle god-knows how many times. The sun was just barely over the horizon when the Quaffle dropped to the sandy floor of the pitch. He dismounted a few feet away from the ball only to have his leg give out from under him. He sank to his knees on the sand, pins and needles running through his legs. He could feel Andrew laughing as he came down from his place at the posts. He kicked the ball at Neil, who tried and failed to catch it and it instead just knocked him on his ass. Neil looked up at Andrew, who was grinning in the sunset’s light.

“Time to go. Hurry, or I will leave you here.” 

Anger coursed through Neil’s bloodstream, and he gripped his broom, trying to lift it to give Andrew a good whack, knives and consequences be damned. His fingers, however, seemed to be unable to grip anything. 

“Fuck.” He said, flexing his fingers.

“Fuck indeed. Are you done throwing a temper tantrum or do you need a pacifier?”

Neil glared up at Andrew, whos smile remained as cheerful as ever. Andrew put a foot on the broom when Neil tried to pick it up again, succeeding this time.

“Stop.” Neil spat.

“Make me.”

“I will.”

“I’m shaking in my boots.” Andrew turned and left, whistling as he swung his broom over his shoulder. Neil fell onto his back, listening for the sound of the gate closing, meaning they had left. He laid until he was sure they were gone and when he was sure he could stand. He picked up his broom and the Quaffle. The moon illuminated his way into the dressing rooms where he changed out slowly, entire body aching. He had gone too far today. Not only had he somewhat changed the image he had wanted ‘Neil’ to have, but he’d also have to learn how to slow down if he wanted to be able to play by the beginning of the year. He jogged back to the castle, wary of the shadowy corners the grounds offered. 

Wymack’s door was open when Neil got to it, and he found the man inside, a bottle of what seemed to be dry beans in his hand as he looked for something in his bookshelves. The older man looked back at Neil at his entrance and raised an eyebrow.

“Kevin stopped by. Said you had tried to blow your arms out against Andrew. I was hoping he was lying, but seeing by the time and hour I’m afraid he was telling the truth.” He raised his eyebrow more as if waiting for an explanation.  

Neil shrugged. “I may have gotten too into it.” Wymack sighed, shook his head, and tossed him the bottle of beans, turning to forage deeper into the bookshelf. Neil almost caught it, but his hands refused to cooperate and it fell, shattering and spilling the contents on the floor. 

Wymack whirled around and scowled, advancing on Neil, “Idiot!”

Neil stepped back, tensing. He had been retreating from older men for so long it had long turned into an ingrained behavior. He cursed himself inside. Of course, Wymack was going to be a problem, how had he been so  _ stupid- _

“Neil.” Wymack stood perfectly still, face blank. Neil dropped his gaze. He waited for a word, but when none came he spoke first.

His voice seemed loud in the complete silence. “This was my fault. It won’t happen again.” Wymack didn’t respond. He pointed to a spot in front of him. Neil crouched to the mess.

“No, come here.” Neil obeyed, close enough to please the man but far enough to be able to duck a punch. He’d had plenty of time to perfect that technique. 

“Look me in the eyes.” 

Neil complied. He’d been wrong. Wymack’s face wasn’t blank. The deep brown eyes were full of something which Neil couldn’t quite figure out. It didn’t seem like anger, but Neil couldn’t afford to let his guard down. 

“Listen carefully. I’m a grumbly old wizard. I like to shout, I like to throw things and make a general ruckus. I don’t like violence, which seems ironic when you consider the sport I coach. I’ve yet to throw the first punch or cast the first hex, and I won’t do so to you. Understand?” Neil nodded, but he apparently didn’t convince Wymack, “You have more reason to be afraid of Andrew than of me.” Neil didn’t know how to explain that the only way he’d be able to completely stop Neil’s fear of him would be to go back in time in age. 

“There is some leftover soup in the kitchen. I’ll clean this up, you clean yourself up.” Neil slipped past him into the bathroom, where he leaned against the door, breathing deep. He could hear the tinkle and skittering of the bottle flying back together. He got into the shower, letting the hot water ground him.  _Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this was lowkey hard to write because not only do I not particularly like sports, but also this sport doesn't really exist. i'm getting better at writing more consistenly so :)). talk to me on @storyalchemist on tumblr


	7. i'm sorry, mother, i'm sorry i let you down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your time will come if you wait for it, if you wait for it  
> It's hard, believe me I've tried  
> But I won't wait much longer 'cause these walls they're crashing down  
> Oh I won't wait much longer 'cause these walls they're crashing down  
> And I keep coming up short  
> -amsterdan, imagine dragons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being away so long! here is a thicc chapter as an apology. hope u enjoy!

Neil spent the mornings of the next two weeks exploring the castle. He was sure there were a few hidden passages that he couldn’t access. He had mapped out the castle and most of the grounds in his morning runs, which were the most peaceful part of his day. He’d then have to go down to the pitch at midday to be run ragged by Kevin.

Kevin was the source of Neil’s struggles these days. No matter what he seemed to do, it never seemed to be enough. He was faster and more dexterous than even Kevin, but it didn’t seem to matter when he couldn’t even maintain the Quaffle in his grip for more than a minute. Kevin and Andrew were unforgiving of his every mistake and they didn’t seem to take into account his lack of experience at all. Aaron was indifferent, for the most part. Nicky was the only sympathetic party, but since that day Andrew had threatened him with his knife he had seemed reluctant to spend more time than necessary with Neil.

Andrew’s knife usage continued to bother Neil. His father, an American dark wizard known as “The Butcher”, was particularly fond of using blades in his work. When he was a child in America, Neil had never been quite sure what business his father was involved in, only to never interfere in it. He knew there had been both No-Maj and magical law enforcement watching them, so he could guess it wasn’t legal by either side. He found the weapon rather barbaric. In a world where it was possible to kill painlessly with a spell, they continued to choose to hurt and maim. Now, Neil suspected his father’s fondness for knives had been also a  way to keep off magical law enforcement radar. After all, stabbings on No Majs are out of their sphere of control. Andrew’s knives made Neil nervous and he couldn’t completely write off the possibility that he could be with his father’s men either in the past or in the present.

The only real upside of the situation is that Kevin didn’t seem to know who he was. The only two interactions he had had with Neil so far were disappointment and anger in his lack of skill and finesse. Neil had resolved from that night he’d spent with Andrew at the pitch that he’d exercise more patience, but he had almost blown it two practices later when Kevin yet again scorned his efforts.

Neil, in one of his in castle runs, had found a gym facility in a seventh-floor corridor. He had spent some parts of his day working out in there, finding fresh water and towels and even a private shower when he needed them.

Days later, Wymack stopped him on his way out of the apartments on his way to go on a run around the Lake.

“No practice for you today. You have to go talk to Dr. Dobson. You know where the statue of Filip the Foolish is?”

Neil nodded. His stomach had begun to churn with anxiety when he heard where he was going.

“Her door is to the west from the statue. I’d go now.”

Neil nodded again and went on his way, trying his best to seem confident about the whole ordeal. He found his way to the statue and glanced around, quickly finding the door and knocking.

“Come in!” Came a woman's voice came through the thick oak.

Neil opened the door to find a cozy room framed by bookshelves. A large mahogany desk faced away from the window looking out into the courtyard and beyond, the Quidditch field’s towers jutted into the sky. A plump woman in honey-colored robes was sitting behind the desk; she stood as soon as Neil entered, smiling earnestly and offering a hand to shake.  The lines around her eyes and mouth deepened when she smiled.

“Hello, Neil. How good to finally meet you.”

“You as well,” responded Neil, sitting on one of the chintz armchairs facing her desk when she motioned for him to do so. She didn’t come off as a threat, but the way she smiled without having reason to made him distrust her.

“I hope your two weeks here have been comfortable. I heard you were training daily with Kevin and the Minyards. You may call me Bee, by the way,” Neil nodded, but there was absolutely no way he was going to call her that.

“Yes, they’ve been teaching me the drills and scrimmaging.” Dr.Dobson nodded.

“That sounds wonderful. I’m sure this season will be one for the books.” Neil didn’t think she believed that for a second.

“Alright, so I’m going to have you take a few tests for me, just to see where you’re at in your magical education. After that, we’ll see what you can do with your wand, and finally, we’ll get you Sorted. Is that alright with you?”

Neil nodded, at which she conjured some parchment. He spent the next two hours taking a test on everything from magical theory to magical history, to the uses of potions and plants. Once that was finished, a house elf brought up a lunch of cucumber sandwiches and crisps, which was eaten in uncomfortable silence. Afterward, Neil was asked to transfigure a hedgehog into a pincushion and a match into a needle as well as to levitate a book and light his wand tip.

Golden light streamed into the office as Neil waited for Dr. Dobson to return with the “Sorting Hat”. An enchanted quill scratched away at his test, marking the answers that were correct and incorrect. The sound made him nervous, and he wondered if he would be kicked out if he failed. The thought nauseated him. However, before he could begin to plan what he would do if he was kicked out, Dobson reentered the room. She carried a cloth hat in her hands. It perked up as the light hit it, making Neil jump.

A rip near the brim opened and it yawned.  “Is it showtime?”

Neil could hear the smile in the woman’s voice, “Not yet. This is the young man I spoke to you about. The transfer?”

“Ah yes. Let me see him.” Dr.Dobson swished her wand and the hat drifted onto the desk. She spun it so that the hat faced Neil.

“Nervous?” The hat said, and Neil blinked. He gave a shrug as a response, but he wasn’t sure what he would have said.

“Alright let me give you a quick rundown. Gryffindor values courage, strength, nerve, and bravery. My house Hufflepuff values hard work, justice, patience, and loyalty. We love everyone and welcome all. Ravenclaw values intelligence, cleverness, creativity, and eagerness to learn. Last but not least, Slytherin values ambition, cunning, leadership, and resourcefulness.”

“Now Neil, I’ll put this on you and it will decide what house you’ll be in. It’s rather quick normally, so you’ll be able to go down to eat dinner soon. Who knows, maybe you’ll be in my house, Hufflepuff.” Neil wasn’t quite sure if the traits she had listed applied to him, but he said nothing.  “Ready?”

Neil took a deep breath and nodded. There really was no going back now.

The last thing he saw before the Sorting Hat fell over his eyes is Dr. Dobson smiling serenely at him.

 _Have rather a lot of secrets in this noggin, don’t you?_ Whispered the Hat in his head. He tensed immediately. He’d _known_ this was a bad idea-

 _Calm down, child. I’ve been alive for more than you could imagine and I have yet to betray the contents of someone’s head._ That wasn’t very reassuring, but what choice did Neil have? He wondered, just briefly, what house his mother had been in. She’d never spoken of her school days or much of her youth at all.

 _Mary Hatford, eh? Smart girl. Cunning. Perfect fit for Slytherin. You, however...there is cleverness, and a substantial amount of it...bravery, enough to put you in Gryffindor...but I think that you’ll truly thrive in…_ ”SLYTHERIN” it took Neil a moment to realize that last part had not been in Neil’s head.

“How wonderful! I’m sure you’ll be a great asset to your house.” Neil wasn’t terribly shocked at the placement; after all, he would consider himself rather resourceful. He had to be, running around with low money and supplies. At that moment the quill grading his exam stopped its scratching and laid down on the parchment.

“Oh good, it’s finished. Let’s see.” She held up the end of the scroll.

“Alright...you did rather well in the potions questions….as well as the magical practical...you’re lacking in some of the nuances of theory though...and history wasn’t great.” Neil had expected so. His mom only saw fit to teach him what was necessary to survive and little more, and magical history and theory had certainly not been a necessity.

“Well, let’s see how you fare as a third year, hm? We may have to give you a special schedule for some subjects, but we’ll work it all out, don’t you worry. Alright then, you’re free to go.”

Neil nodded, thanked her, and quickly exited her office, jogging back to Wymack’s apartments. The sun had set over the horizon and a bowl of some sort of bean soup had been left out for him on the counter. He had grown to appreciate the arrangement he and Wymack had where they stayed out of each other’s way for the most part and only got together to watch Quidditch on a magical scroll Wymack had. Wymack had subscriptions for all sorts of newspapers, magical and non-magical. Neil read these, scouring them all to see if there was any mention of any activity that could be attributed to the Butcher.

Once he had finished, he set out to the pitch, hoping to get some training in to make up for what he had missed today. The torches were lit, something he only noticed once he was in the player’s hallway. Someone was here. He crept quietly to the pitch, peeking out to see none other but Kevin flying around the pitch. He was methodically throwing the Quaffle over and over again onto a spot on the goal posts. Realization dawned on Neil. Kevin was honing his right arm, which he had been forced to switch to after his accident.

Seeing him be so hard on himself, ruthlessly throwing the Quaffle over and over again almost made Neil forgive his harshness.  He had without noticing, walked more forward than he had meant to. He had noticed, however, someone watching.

“Why aren’t you up there with him?

“My legs fell off.”

“I think it would help him more if you did.”

“Okay.”

Neil turned to spot Andrew perched on one the wooden beams facing out onto the pitch. He was leaning his forearms on his knees as he stared down at Neil. Seeing him straight-faced was shocking, as he hadn’t seen him off his meds since the first day they had met. Neil’s eyes lingered on the black bands covering his forearms. He had only seen Andrew out of Quidditch robes once; when he as masqueraded as Aaron to lead him to Wymack, but even then he had been wearing a sweater. From what coverage he’d been able to find on him before arriving, the bands were there to separate him and his brother. However, seeing as Aaron was nowhere to be found, he didn’t understand why he was wearing them. He watched as Andrew’s hands moved, the fingers of his left hand slipping into the bands of his right arm. He drew out a slim blade. He flipped it around his fingers before sliding it back in.

“You’re going to cut your arms to ribbons if you’re not careful. You have sheaths in those?”

When Andrew didn’t answer he kept going, "That's definitely not the one you used on Nicky. How many do you have on you? _Why_ do you have them on you?”

“Shut up.”

“If you get caught with those on the pitch, you’re not only going to get arrested, they’re probably going to suspend the team. What will you do then?”

“Jump into the Great Lake and wallow.”

Neil rolled his eyes, “Why do you hate Quidditch so much?”

Andrew rolled his eyes at Neil, “I don’t hate Quidditch. I don’t care enough about it to hate it. It’s only marginally less boring than not playing. It’s pointless.”

“What? But you’re so talented!”

“‘I’m flattered.” Andrew’s voice was flat, “I hope you realize that flattery doesn’t work here.”

“But if you just _tried_ you could go professional, go to the nat-”

“You do that. Kevin already promised the school board and the headmaster that you’d go professional by the end of school. “

Neil felt hot, his face and ears burning, “What?” That _had_ to be a lie. He knew Kevin had seen him playing at the rec center because Wymack had explained that that’s where he scouted Neil from back in Hernadez’s apartment so many nights ago. Kevin couldn’t seem to stand to be in the same pitch as Neil, so the thought of him arguing for Neil’s spot in the school and the team seemed impossible. The only reason Neil could fathom made his stomach drop: Kevin really did know who he was and who his father was and was either going to confront him about it or turn him into the Ravens.

“And then when you finally arrived, you seemed _so_ reluctant to accept a position in the game that you think so fun and important. When you met one of the most important figures in your favorite sport, you turned tail and fled. Now isn’t that so odd?”

Neil spoke finally, “Liar. Kevin hates me. He hates everything I do.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you hate him. I haven’t made my mind up. You’re not adding up.”

“I’m not a fucking math problem.”

“Whatever.”

Neil rolled his eyes again and turned away to see Kevin gathering up the Quaffles and touching down onto the pitch.

“You’re a mystery.”

“Thanks.”

“No, thank you. You’ve given me something to toy with.”

“I’m not a toy.”

“Keep thinking that.”

They were interrupted when Kevin set his gear down nearby and turned to Neil.

“Why are you here?”

Neil frowned at the rude greeting, “I came to practice.”

“As if it would help.”

All the appreciation Neil had felt for Kevin when he saw him practicing evaporated. He watched as Kevin turned on his heel and left, broom over his shoulder and head high. Andrew moved behind Neil to follow Kevin, only glancing at Neil as he passed. Neil took his place on the wooden beam. He dug his fingers into the wood. _Professional Quidditch?_ Not even as a child had he allowed himself to dream of that, knowing what he would be forced to become when he grew up.

Neil felt splinters digging into his palms as he thought back to the promises he had made his mother.

They were in California, in one of the northernmost, rocky beaches in the dead of winter. He’d been driving, looking for an isolated safe place to camp out to regroup and decide what's next with his mother, who was dozing in and out on the passenger seat. She was hurt. She had been hit with a curse from one of his father’s men, something that she hadn’t been able to mend even with magic. Neil was worried, but he didn’t know how serious the wound was. Her entire internal system was bleeding out.

They should have gone to a hospital, muggle or magical, but she had thought the chances of her father having them all being watched too high. She made him drive onto the rocky soil of the beach. Without looking at him, she made him repeat all the promises she had drilled into his head, over and over and over again; don’t slow down for anything, don’t look back at anything, do not trust anyone, do not be yourself, and don’t stay anywhere for too long.

He hadn’t understood she was saying goodbye until it was much too late to say anything else. He could still feel her fingers grasping the front of his shirt as she fought against death, gasping for more. He cremated her along with the car, sitting quietly a distance away as to not be caught if the police came. When no one did, he buried her bones a way down the beach. He had wondered half way down California when he broke down, puking and sobbing for at least a week, but he couldn’t be sure. Neil had forced himself to do things task by task, minute by minute. He’d scrounged up enough money to buy a cheap flight to England, wanting to be as far away from that accursed country and that accursed coast. Even then he knew he’d be caught eventually without the help from his mother.

Neil swayed, dizzy from the recollections. He realized all at once that none of Wymack’s hoping, or Kevin’s empty promises, or Andrew’s goading would mean anything soon. He was nothing and no one. He would just have to enjoy what he had left and take what he could, but staying too long would kill him.

He stumbled into the dressing room, changing out and gathering some balls. He put all his consciousness into drills, wearing out every muscle in his body.

By the time he finished, he was much too tired to walk back to Wymack’s apartments and he simply showered and flopped on one of the couches in the living room area.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! it means a lot to me


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